Today has been an emotional day for me. I mentioned in my first blog that I go for monthly appointments to see an Ob/GYN for PCOS, which I was diagnosed with in January. Last month I wasn’t able to meet with Dr. Summers, so this month I was able to schedule a vaginal ultrasound followed by an appointment with my doctor.

Let me first start off by saying I hate waiting for my name to be called in the waiting room. I’m surrounded by cheery pregnant woman who are clutching ultrasounds and bonding with each other over their miracle. All I can do is sit there and watch while think, what is wrong with me? Why me? What if I never get this opportunity? I say a quick prayer before my name is called to start the ultrasound. I should be more optimistic considering all of my body parts are there and  the tech told me that if I had cysts they would appear black and I would notice them. In all honesty, there was nothing wrong with my ultrasound. I was diagnosed with PCOS yet, no large cysts and no small string-like cysts surrounding my ovaries. Everything looked fine, so I went back out to the waiting room to yet again wait for my name to be called. Finally after 15 minutes my name was called and as usual my weight and vitals were taken and I sat in the room waiting for Dr. Summer’s to start ruling things out and telling me what the next step was. The first thing he said was positive such as, I see ovulatory activity which he later corrected himself and said It wasn’t ovulatory activity, but that he didn’t see polycyctic ovaries. I’m so confused at this point so I ask him if PCOS is my official diagnosis and he replies that PCOS is more of a symptom of something larger such as a metabolic disorder. He wants to put me on Clomid, but he said my cycles are just so out of wack and all over the place. He was happy that I did have AF on Provera, but now I’m not even sure if it was that or half spotting half AF, which worries me even more. He is testing to see if he can get me to ovulate with Clomid in July. He also mentioned how positive it is that I am losing weight. He not only says he can see the weight loss in me, but obviously the scale doesn’t lie. The whole point of all of these appointments is to see if my body can ovulate and he’s hoping if I can lose enough weight my body will start regulating itself. This I seriously doubt because my cycles have never been regular even when I was more active and in a healthy weight range. He proceeded to say if Clomid doesn’t trigger a reaction then I will be referred to a Endocrinologist. A Reproductive Endocrinologist has a more broad variation of the infertility treatment’s they can provide.  They will get into underlying disorders and go as far as Clomid, Femera, hormone shots, and trigger shots. This is all quite overwhelming for me. Seeing an endocrinologist might be good for me considering I have always had hormonal issues and Endocrinologists work directly with your hormones. Maybe I could get to the root of my depression, anxiety, and now infertility issues. I have a need to know what is wrong with me.

All I can think about at this point is what if they can’t trigger and ovulatory response? What if I can’t have kids? They say that God doesn’t throw anything at you that you can’t handle, but I feel like this would be the one thing I couldn’t handle. You might as well lock me in a padded room for the rest of my life. The thought of not having a mini me with half of my personality and looks and half of the man I love’s personality and looks devastates me. It leaves an empty ache in my body that I can’t even describe. Why is it that awful woman who abuse drugs, or even their own kids, are extremely fertile, yet some great woman can’t? People ask to know all about what’s going on with me and when I tell them I get pity, which I hate. I’m sure at the end of the day they go to bed thanking God that they’re not me and don’t have to deal with this emotional roller coaster that I now refer to as life. I’m trapped in this body that doesn’t even work correctly and it makes me feel awful. I fear that I am becoming bitter and I shouldn’t be because I’m not even being patient. As I said before, my mom didn’t conceive my sister until 7 years into her first marriage and then I didn’t come for another roughly 7 years. I hate when people are like “Aww that really sucks”. Where’s the positivity in that? I want your positive vibes, not your pity. Each day I stress out a little bit more because I know everyday that I’m not ovulating and I’m basically broken. Every other girl I see that is my age is on her 2nd to 3rd kid and here I am, broken. I especially feel like the people who message me just like to rub their motherhood in in my face. I hate it when people message me and say things like, “Oh you have to become a mother because your life doesn’t even begin until you’re a mommy” or just bragging about how amazing motherhood is. Do they know who they’re talking to?

Maybe this is just me venting and being bitter, or feeling sorry for myself, but this is becoming more complicated than I thought it would. It would be so nice if life just went smooth and there was no stress. The fact that I can’t control certain things in my life drives me crazy! Give me a break!

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