I am a cutter.

Even when I go long periods of time without cutting it just takes one signal to my brain that something is wrong and I start hyperventilating, crying, my heart aches, and the first thought that will always enter my mind first is self harming.

I am not afraid to admit that I am a controlling person. I’m not someone that denies my mental illness. I am fully aware of it and how it ruins every relationship I’m in. Cutting is something I can control. I can’t control the emotional pain that brings me to my knees gasping and praying for the relief of not being able to feel anything at all. Coping for me means controlling what I feel. Self harming turns emotional pain into physical pain and physical pain is something I can control.

When I feel like I’m not beautiful or worth anything I want to control others and show off how strong I think I am. The truth is I’m not strong at all. The neurons in my brain are like the seeds on a dandelion after bloom. As soon as someone blows they go hay wire and fly all over the place.  I can’t get these healthy coping methods down.

I want to change.

Please, God. I want to be in control of myself.