You know that saying, “I know you better than I know myself”? Yeah, I don’t agree with it. I think some people are oblivious to their actions, but ultimately they know what makes them tick. I know what makes me happy, sad, angry, and excited.
One thing I used to be oblivious to, but am now fully aware of, is that I am a very dependent person when it comes to my happiness. I place all of my feelings and emotions in others hands and I give these people way too much power to control my moods.
For example I have a “friend” that I’ve known for a long time who clashes with me. I’m not sure why we’re friends, or why I stick around. Maybe it’s the idea of having a friend that I can text all the time, or the fact I’m addicted to her drama because it’s like a constant soap opera. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to feel lonely. Whatever it is, it’s not healthy. This girl and I tend to compete with each other when it comes to life events. Who gets what first, who has the better relationship etc. Honestly, it’s exhausting. I think the reason I get so mad is the fact that this girl in engaged to a man who is much older than her ( in his 30’s) which isn’t a big deal but what makes it a big deal to me is the fact that on the drop of a dime he starts treating her terribly, calls her horrible names, doesn’t have his life together, and spends all of his money he gets from his fast food job on rent to his mom and cocaine. It makes me insane that she tries to put him on this pedestal of being perfect, and she won’t listen to anyone. I realize it’s her life, but it’s also frustrating that I feel the need to put all of my energy in trying to help someone who will never listen to me and instead make someone who isn’t a good person sound like a saint. She doesn’t care about my accomplishments, but expects me to care about hers. It really gets under my skin, but that’s because I allow it, and I obsess over it. Out of every one I know, I have given this girl the power to put me in the worst mood at any given time.
There is another part of me, a selfish part of me that I need to change, that feels better being friends with her because while she is in and out of jail, I’m doing things with my life and instead of me finding confidence in my own accomplishments, I sometimes find it through other peoples failures.
Now I know what you’re thinking after that statement, what a horrible person this girl is, but that’s not it. I’ve just learned that I need to work on myself and by doing that also deal with something that is very difficult for me which is letting go and accepting change. As humans we form habits, and habits are hard to break. What I have learned about myself is that the reason I have such a hard time letting go of people is because when I let people control my emotions, I’m not sure how to feel when they’re gone. This is especially hard for me in relationships, which is why I have never been single. I don’t know what to do with myself or how to be happy when I am not in a relationship.
I’ve been in more toxic relationships and friendships then good ones and now that I’ve learned that I depend to much on others, I need to learn how to fix it so that I am the one that controls me emotions. I love my boyfriend, yes he gets under my skin sometimes, but he’s not toxic at all. Regardless, I still want to be the one that chooses my own happiness. When someone is upsetting me I want to be able to blow it off and choose to feel happy anyways. I want to not care so much about what is going on with others and instead care about myself and what is going on with me. I don’t want to compare my life to other people’s lives anymore. I don’t want to be selfish and try to put other people down or make them jealous because I, for some odd reason, feel inferior even though there are plenty of great things going on in my life.
Although change feels detrimental to me, admitting what you need to change is the first step to actually changing and letting go of the people who make you feel bad about yourself. Having toxic friends brings the toxic friend out in myself. It turns me into someone that I don’t like. I am a caring, sweet person, and when I have a friendship that’s not one-sided then I soar. Friendships shouldn’t make you feel bad about yourself and it’s okay to people go.