I don’t know about you, but for me high school was tough. I would say the majority of people I know can vouch for me when I say most of us were glad when it was over. High school was a major learning experience for me along with most others. Where I gained friends I also gained enemies and where I found love I also experience heartbreak. I didn’t realize being a teenager was going to be so rough.
In middle school I was pretty awkward, but that’s normal during middle school. I was going through puberty and I didn’t think anything about me was attractive, so when I got to high school I was thrilled that boys were actually looking my way. I had a boyfriend freshmen year, but honestly it wasn’t all that serious. Yes, he gave me my first kiss and he showed me what it was like to actually have a boyfriend, but I’m not writing this blog to talk about him because my first true heart shattering experience happened my sophomore year when I was 15 years old.
At the end of my freshmen year I was extremely vulnerable due to spending a lot of my time in a youth rehab out-patient program for cutting. I don’t believe that I transitioned from a very small catholic school to a huge charter school well at all. My self-esteem issues sky rocketed that year and I went through my first casual breakup. That was when I met him and when I say “him”. I’m talking about the first boy I believe I loved and the first boy to break my heart into a million pieces.
We developed a relationship over the summer before sophomore year and I was ecstatic because I had a boy who really genuinely liked me and due to my self-esteem issues I absorbed this attention like a sponge. Obviously, the beginning of new relationships are the best because you are so infatuated with each other you’re on cloud 9. We spent all of our time together and I grew so attached to him. He even bought me a little promise ring that year. If he would’ve told me to jump off of a bridge with him, sadly, I actually might have. I gave this boy all of me and in return I became so dependent on his attention that I became controlling and got upset when he would go drink or go out with his friends. I find it reasonable that I didn’t like it when he’d drink because we were very young and I wouldn’t touch alcohol. I was raised in a catholic school and I was very sheltered. The more I pushed the more he backed off and the more he backed off the more I pushed. It was a vicious cycle. It got to the point that I would fight with him just because I needed some kind of attention and the make-up’s always helped me feel that “new relationship” high. My cutting became extremely frequent and a part of me believes I started using it in order to get his attention. We fought so often throughout sophomore that the other student’s would say, “oh they’re just breaking up again”. We were so on and off that year that my mom had to miss 52 days of work in order to come pick me up from school where she always found me sobbing in the counselors office. He ended up verbally abusing me, eventually he cheated on me, and the mental abuse became physical.It was all bound to happen. I was always grabbing his arm when he’d walk away from me and I believe I also got to a violent point as well. I would never give him his space and in reality we were both just way to young. When we would break up I’d be so low, but every time we made up I would be on an extreme high and I was always proud to be his girlfriend. I would definitely conclude that I was obsessive over this relationship. He was a great manipulator and he knew it. He always had me right where he wanted me because everyone knew he was my everything at the time.
Later in the semester the cops were called by a teacher after school because of him grabbing my wrists and saying terrible things that to this day he claims never happened, but it’s something that will always be burned into my memory . He blamed me for the cops being called and I blamed myself because I lost him due to that incident. After the cops were called I was a mess and we didn’t talk for a long period of time. I was even more devastated when he tried to go after one of my best friends and I did everything to stop it. How could he do that to me? I just wouldn’t let go.
Somehow, and it has completely escaped my mind as to how, but we actually ended up back together. The last day of sophomore year came and I told him I was upset because we never really talked or saw each other outside of school and he promised we would. Well as you probably predicted he left school that day without one single word and I went months without hearing from him. He definitely heard from me though. After every break up I always blew up his phone with text messages. I was young and I had no self-control. I lost everything and I had no idea what my purpose was. I actually wanted to die over a boy I was with for a mere 10 months. I still feel a piece of my heart break every time I tell this story because I remember how I felt every time he broke up with me, called me names, or ignored me.
I got in with such a bad crowd after that my mom had to move me to another school in a completely different town were I met another boy and eventually moved on like any teenager would do. The most surprising part is that he actually wanted me back after I moved schools and I was the one to say no. The girl who could never say no to him finally said no.
If I could go back in time and give my 15 year old self advice I would say that high school is temporary and so are most of the relationships you will make during those times. I would tell myself to focus on my studies because I am smart and in the long run no relationship is worth sacrificing your intelligence or the opportunity to get into a great college. I would tell myself to make more friends and not to give them up over a boy because if he leaves you have no one. I would’ve told myself to save myself for marriage and not give everything to a boy at such a young age in order to keep him around because the attachment will only get deeper and the break up will be twenty times more devastating. Lastly, I would say stand up for yourself because no one can tear you down if you don’t let them. I wouldn’t have let the bullies break me and I wouldn’t have let a boy control my universe just for it to dramatically end a year later. Thinking back maybe I could’ve focused on my studies, been valedictorian, and picked what ever college I wanted to attend, but instead I learned a life long lesson and chose to give my best to a boy who in return showed me what it was like to have my first real broken heart.