Relationships are really hard work, I mean extremely hard work! You find someone from a different background, with different views on life, different beliefs, and sometimes opposite mindsets, and you get together and hope that their demons play well with yours.
I’d like to think I’m a pro at relationships, but I’m far from. Something that I admire about myself is I know that I know I have issues like everyone else. It takes two, there are two sides to every story and I can admit I’m not innocent. I’m actually guilty of quite a few relationship killers. I know what I personally need to work on when it comes to relationships. The divorce rate is extremely high in this centaury and the best thing to do is to follow these simple rules that I try to go by in relationships. These are all obvious, but are unique and personal to me because I have experienced issues in all of them.
Rules to a healthy Relationship/Marriage:
1. Learn how to effectively communicate and do it often. This is huge because every couple communicates, but a lot of the time it’s screaming over each other and not hearing out what the other person has to say. The tone of someone’s voice will play a huge role in the argument and can either escalate things or calm them down. I’ve learned the best way to not get overheated is instead of blowing up try “I feel” statements. I know that sounds super cheesy, but I learned it in one of my psychology courses and it actually works without turning a conversation into an explosive argument. When you are upset try saying I feel ___ because of ____. Make sure they let you finish without interrupting and then when you’re done talking give them a chance to say how they feel and why. Eye contact is important because you need to be able to read body language as well. DON’T let problems build up. When you do they’re all going to come out at once and your going to really lay into the other person which will cause a lot of hurt you won’t be able to take back.
2. Don’t talk about your ex’s or compare past relationships with your current one. I am so guilty of this guys, I don’t understand it but when I want something I’ll tend to say, “well so and so did this”. Just don’t do it! Put yourself in their shoes. What if you significant other told you he or she liked something their ex did and you should be more like her/him. You wouldn’t like it, so believe me they don’t either. For me I thought it would get a point across, but instead it causes a fight. Just ask for what you want, especially if your a girl. Girls tend to overthink things and use sneaky ways to get their answers. Guys are more casual and direct. If you want something just ask, but don’t compare!
3. Don’t ever use the phrase “I’m done” unless you are actually 100 percent serious about ending the relationship. Guilty, guilty, guilty! I do this all the time and I’m working on putting an end to it. I thought I was the only one who did this, but apparently it’s really common. I don’t know other people’s reasons for it, but I do know that I say it when I’m again wanting attention. I always assume he will come back with some sappy response on why he loves and that he would cross the world and back for you to stay with him. Again, don’t do it! Both guys and girls use this phrase as lightly as they throw around the phrase, “I love you”. If you want attention, or need to work something out then again, try I feel statements or simply ask. This is an unhealthy to beat around the bush instead of communicating what you want. Believe me it’s happened to me, and your significant other won’t be able to take it. By you constantly saying you’re done, eventually the table will turn and they WILL be done no attention intended.
4. Let the other person live their life and make their own choices. This is hard for everyone I think. You have this certain picture in your head of how you want your future to turn out and for everyone it’s different, but very specific. I have a tendency to be controlling. I want things this way, I want you to do this with your life, I want to move here. etc. A very important person in my life told me to ask instead of demand. Do you ask your s/o if this is something they would want to do as well? Do you talk things out as a team? Don’t ever give up on your goals, but don’t assume someone wants what you want. You will get better results talking out a plan, rather then demanding it. The other person can see your side of things and in return you can see their side of things. It is possible to achieve both of your dreams if you work together. There is no reason for two people to split up over this. Relationships will have sacrifices. There is no doubt about it and that’s okay because when you love someone you care about their happiness as well, these sacrifices shouldn’t be so huge though that you discontinue something that makes you happy. You’ll lose yourself to the other person if you give up your hobbies and you will no longer be happy. If he/she is asking you to sacrifice something that is healthy and not a bad behavior than something is wrong, but if he/she is asking you to give up something out of concern for your health etc. than it’s a different story. Think about why he/she is asking you to give something up. When it comes to big life choices though, If you love each other you can come to a conclusion that can make both of you happy.
5. Don’t keep secrets or lie. I don’t even need to explain this one because it’s a given. Just don’t do it.
6. Don’t let your fear of love or past relationships effect your current relationship. A lot of people have been through or have seen a relationship fall through in the most ugly way possible. “You never lose by loving, you lose by holding back.” Lise Be. Give love a chance. This falls into the category of comparing your relationship to another one.
7. Don’t expect a relationship to be easy. I can’t stress this enough.This is my last tip and one of the most important ones. Go into a relationship whole-heartedly but don’t leave at the first sign of trouble. I repeat, relationships are hard work. I’ll leave you with these two quotes because they’re both really hit the ball in the park.